Living with ourselves

I hit the Jackpot yesterday. After being evicted from my New Caledonia hotel (second time in 48 hours)…I have landed in a wonderful beachfront condo. A beautiful 8th floor luxury accommodation; overlooking Bais des Citron (Lemon Bay) here in New Caledonia. Blue South Pacific reefs, mountains, orange sunsets. – good karma is paying dividends.

Even better, a new dive friend prepares a home-cooked meal the first night. Ahh!! Things are not so very bad after all. I sleep safe and well in my new home.

But the morning brings Quarantine. My friend moves out to her AirB&B accommodations. Planning for a long stay thru the Corona Chaos of 2020. The streets are ghostly. Only limited authorized traffic.

Now, I’m living with myself. Absolute quiet here. The Pacific Ocean gently crashes in the distance. Warm breeze blows over the marvelous balcony, the sun shines. Most of life – most people – myself included - would call this heaven. Truly – this is paradise.

Isolation is occurring to millions all over the planet. Just the same as myself. How will we all live with ourselves? How will it change us?

But it’s paradise in a cage. A trapped animal. Here in New Caledonia there is a form to fill-out and carry if you leave the hotel – like a war time pass - maybe I’ll make a grocery run in a few days. Filling out my pass.

For now, just reading, writing and sleeping. Living with myself. Not always an easy thing to do. Resisting emotional memories – trying to find meditative calm and peace and reflection.

How do we live with ourselves? Often I find people just run from their past. Toss old cloths, homes, cars, lovers … move on. Forget their own failings and wrongs… Push onto the next relationship or next job or maybe just the next day. Blame someone, cling to victimhood. Rarely rarely taking responsibility. Running even from themselves.

These avoidance tricks permit most to see the next sun rise. So maybe its their only option for survival – I can’t say for-sure. But Now; with the isolation and quarantine of Corona. Will that trick hold up? I wonder? I suspect that for many it will fail miserably.

When this world Chaos passes; it will be nearly impossible for them to live a normal life or live with themselves. Only more counseling, prescription psychotropic‘s and depression awaits. Agoraphobia and Germaphobia will escalate, fear will rule their lives. Heartbreaking that the world chose this path forward – such suffering. I suppose there was no other option.

It’s my observation that most people don’t and can’t live with themselves. They just rely on denial. Focusing on media and and polls and reading only that which agrees with their beliefs. Easier that way. Avoid thinking of the wrongs they did. Avoid taking responsibility for the damage they personally caused. Not chasing redemption, but expecting forgiveness. Or worse, ignoring the truth.

Loneliness is the enemy now. Hope the next days bring a rhythm. But just now, its un-nerving.

I feel less lonely on the open sea. Or hiking a forest. Here in paradise alone, no lover to share it with, no family. Definitely a time of reflection. Who am I? What have I accomplished?

Write, read, listen to music. Avoid the news. Text friends and family. Dream.

I consider onward travel. Maybe I‘ll jump to Japan – its still open for now. But then what?

From Japan, flights home to the States look possible. But home to what? More of the same? Quarantine? maybe even quarantine on arrival? All that doesn’t seem like a good plan.

So for now, I just stay put. A trapped animal.

Maybe I’m a Dolphin or Grouper in an aquarium just dreaming I’m a person.

Still learning to live with myself. What will tomorrow bring?